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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I need better friends
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭