Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

Has science gone too far?