Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants