Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…