@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

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@michaelianblack

The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media.

@oakhillbargrill

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

@jordan_stratton

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

@panmidwest

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

@Tw1tter_K1tten

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

@Crazy_ButCute2

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

@AristotlesNZ

Yea? Well who died & made you Batman?

Oh crap..that’s right.

Bruce, I’m so sorry. Come on, dude, don’t cry. Seriously, where you going?