Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.