Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
You Might Also Like
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
aura
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.