Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
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Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Probably my best painting.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Sniffing the broccoli
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?