Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.