Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something