posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
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The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
What’s the point buying it then?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Do not steal food from the science building!
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
certified hallow’s eve classic
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”