Posting this on behalf of a friend
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[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)