Posting this on behalf of a friend
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Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits