Posting this on behalf of a friend
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So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
No chill.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
😤😤
