Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
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“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials