Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest

three old guys: heyyyyy

little boy playing the drums: whaddup