Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

I feel this so hard

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.