*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
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Why is everyone getting married at me
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
so i’m at the stock market right
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously