Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.