*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
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[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground