Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

where’s Godzilla when we need him

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

My god she’s good.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.