*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Spotted in the wild
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Print is alive and well!!!
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when