*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
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Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I was just discussing this with my cat
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.