they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
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ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign