Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.