Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
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Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”