Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

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Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?


Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.


Her; My phones dead let me use yours

Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home


I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.


I named my house “shape”, now I’m always in shape.


Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time


The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand


I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.


{phone call}


MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away


do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said