@kelkulus

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

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@ThaJawn

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

@johnalogue

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

@thatUPSdude

Her; My phones dead let me use yours

Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home

@Dolly0Dolly

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

@Muath_tu

I named my house “shape”, now I’m always in shape.

@HammerFist3

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

@miniwheats2012

The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

@1800Randy

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

@TheToddWilliams

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

@Karate_Horse

do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said