Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
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I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.