Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
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Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Her; My phones dead let me use yours
Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I named my house “shape”, now I’m always in shape.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
do you think my parents divorced because I’m too handsome like they said