Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.