Pot warmers of the day.
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I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Look at this
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.