Pot warmers of the day.
You Might Also Like
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴