Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?