Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
first responders? you mean reply guys?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Strange
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.