Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
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going ballistic. anyone need anything?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn