Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.