Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I can’t stop watching this.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Nothing to do, you say?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.