Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
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“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
japanese corn
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo