POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
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If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.