POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed