POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
You Might Also Like
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Jail
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
SCARY COSTUME
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
*mops up wine with cat*
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*