Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
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Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.