Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
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Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?