Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
You Might Also Like
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
don’t be scared
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”