Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
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Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Name another movie that mislead you?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.