Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.