Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
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Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
