Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
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I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal