Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
You Might Also Like
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
buys donuts instead
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.