Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
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live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
My zodiac sign is pistachio
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”