Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
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ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)