Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
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What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.