Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
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wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Strangers have the best candy.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.