Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
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Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Jogging
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”