Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
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Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
do u think theres a butter planet?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Simple enough.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.