Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
*puts words between two asterisks*
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
This checks out
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
im 7 sauces long
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.