Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
You Might Also Like
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My kitchen overserved me.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Print is alive and well!!!
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.