Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
bought wrong eggs
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people