Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ