Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

translated into Canadian

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.