*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
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If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Your secret is safeish with me
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name