Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print