Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

Today’s tshirt

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.