*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
boat question
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to