*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Basically, any European coat of arms:
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.