Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

peep davidson

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.