Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Extremely relatable.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.