Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
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what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Anyone really
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.