Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –![]()
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
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I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.