Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
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My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Not all heroes wear capes…
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.