Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
You Might Also Like
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Sell your car
Nice try, poison.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”