Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
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Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth