[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
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(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
